How to Talk to Your Computer

Jun 7, 2011

There are times when you and your computer need to sit down and have a face-to-face chat in order to make sure your relationship doesn’t crash and burn. Even if he* finds it difficult to open up his emotional files, you relationship is too important to let yourselves go through life more roommates than partners.

Some people schedule regular conversations with their computers. Others wait until they see signs of things going awry; signs such as:

• Being greeted every day by a blank stare;
• Finding it increasingly difficult to turn him on, despite trying things thatused to work like clockwork;
• His picking on little things, sending you messages such as “You been idle for 35 minutes” or “It’s time to upgrade” or “CD don’t even exist.”

You must resist the temptation to reboot and start over. You made a commitment. You read the manual. Starting over may look like the easier choice, but that’s only because we humans tend to forget how much work it was to get a relationship started in the first place. Perhaps this is because our memory is insufficient.

Too many people give up on their computer relationships while the hard drive is still warm. They operate out of frustration and anger, failing to even consider what will happen to the software if a long custody battle ensues. (Believe me, if your connection with your computer has deteriorated, your software knows.)

If you’re almost at the breaking point, but willing to work things out, here are some tips to help reformat your relationship:

• Choose a time to talk when neither of you is distracted. If you try to bring up your problems while his attention is on fantasy football, you’re just dooming yourself to failure, even without an electrical storm brewing.
• Keep in mind that studies show that humans and computers tend to communicate somewhat differently. More often than not, your computer is the strong, silent type, keeping his feelings inside until they bubble over – and then the spam hits the fan. Humans tend to express their emotions more readily, often in language a computer can’t hear, much less understand. “You freakin’ piece of overpriced garbage!” may express your true feelings in the moment, but don’t expect the machine in front of you to respond with anything but a sulk.
• Try to be as empathetic as possible. Sure it may seem that your computer does nothing but sit around all day goofing off and visiting questionable websites while you’re out working and running errands, but chances are that’s not how he sees it at all. The more you keep in mind the fact that everyone wants to feel needed, the more likely you’ll be to get your wired half to take your needs into consideration.
• Take time out to have fun together. If your relationship is all about online banking and arguing about his motherboard, it’s no wonder the two of you have grown apart. Upload your partner onto a flash drive and take a walk in the park. Toss a virtual Frisbee or just plug and play.
• Never forget that you two are a team. There may be times you both feel like pulling the plug, but your interconnectivity is strong – don’t let it be interrupted by lack of effort on your part or faulty routing.

No one said that getting along with your computer in the long run was going to be easy, but remember those vows you took at the beginning: “’Til death or hard drive failure do us part.”

© 2006 LA Jasheway-Bryant Leigh Anne Jasheway-Bryant, lajfun@aol.com         www.accidentalcomic.com